STAR WARS...My Way

Vader: Luke...I AM YOUR FATHER'S...brother's...sister's...uncle's...niece's...friend's...grandson's...third cousin second removed's...nephew.

Luke: How does that make us related??

Vader: IT DOESN'T!!!

Luke: O...kay. Um. *coughs.* So...do we fight?

Vader: Huh? Oh, yes, sure.

Luke: What should I call you?

Vader: Erm...how about...Joe?

Luke: Joe?

Vader: Why not? It's simple, boring, easy to remember...

Luke: Fighting, remember??

Vader: Oh, right. (Resumes fighting.)

VERSION TWO:
Vader: Luke...I AM YOUR FATHER!

Luke: NOOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOO—

Vader: *winces* Holy cow, kid, stop YELLING like that.

Luke: Huh? Oh, sorry.

Vader: Seriously, my ear was falling off!

Luke: Do you even have an ear? Like, aren't you half-robot?

Vader: Oh...um, then my very sophisticated...hearing aid.

Luke: Oh. Uh...hm.

Vader: Yes.

Luke: What were we talking about?

Vader: Um, I told you about my ear...

Luke: No, no, before that.

Vader: Oh. Luke, I AM YOUR FATHER!

Luke: Yeah, that's it. Wait...what? WHAT?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO—

ACT TWO:

Vader: Join ME—together we will rule the galaxy as father and son.

Luke: You're my FATHER??

Vader: We had this discussion, remember? You did your crazy scream thing??

Luke: Right...yeah, okay. Wait, rule the galaxy? Don't you think that's a little far-fetched?

Vader: (Annoyed) What, you don't think it's okay? I kind of like the ring to it. "Rule the world" is one thing, but the galaxy? That's POWER.

Luke: Um, whatever dad.

Vader: Say "father," it's much more dignified.

Luke: Right...so, FATHER, what do I get for this?

Vader: What? What do you mean?

Luke: I mean, I get certain privileges, right?

Vader: Yes, I suppose.

Luke: Like...driving the Death Star?

Vader: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!???

Luke: Please!

Vader: NO!! You are NOT responsible enough, mister!!

Luke: BUT—!!!

Vader: NO.

Luke: Fine...you are SO going down then!! (Resumes fighting.)

ACT THREE:
Vader: Luke...join the dark side. We have much power.

Luke: Nah...(turns to leave)

Vader: BUT WAIT!! WE--HAVE--COOKIES!!!!

Luke: NEVER!!! Wait, cookies? Um, not that I'm joining, but uh, what kind?

Vader: Chocolate chip.

Luke: Um...well, we only have celery for Jedi meetings...*hesitates*...do you have anything else?

Vader: We have hot chocolate, and Easter Egg Hunts every Thursday.

Luke: I'M IN!!!!